Before continuing on in the book of Genesis, we turn to the New Testament to see that Jesus upheld the teaching just given in chapter 1.

When asked about acceptable behavior between a married couple, Jesus turns to the foundational book of the Bible, Genesis, quoting verses 1:27 and 2:24.

Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:2-9 emphasis mine).

Jesus teaches that a man leaves his parents and becomes united in flesh to a woman, and the two of them become one. He says: “...what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When Jesus says that God joins couples, it is plain that marriage is no human contract. It is something done by God.

How does God join a couple in marriage? Are couples joined in marriage by God even when they do not have a church wedding ceremony?

There can be little doubt about what Jesus means when He says that two become one flesh. It is obvious that He means sex.¹ Sex is what joins two people together, making them one. Accordingly, in Genesis we saw that when couples had sex, they did in fact live as married; they accepted the relationship that sex obligated them to keep. No church ceremonies or vows are recorded as starting marriages in the Bible. We see no marriage contracts being signed, and neither do we see that a wedding is a necessary facet to marriage. Marriage was simply started when a couple had sex, and accepted their status as lifelong companions, caring for, providing for and loving one another for life.

God joins couples together in marriage, not via a wedding, contract or vows. Couples do not even have to have anything to do with God to become married. To illustrate this point, we can see that many marriages in the Bible were between unbelievers. For example, King Ahab, one of the most evil people in the Bible, was married to Jezebel (1 Kings 16:30-31). The Bible shows clearly that both Ahab and Jezebel were people who rejected God in their lives, so we can assume that they had neither asked for God to join them together nor asked for God’s blessing on their marriage; neither had this couple been married in a church. Yet these and many other ungodly couples in the Bible were married.

Regarding marriage, Jesus said: “...what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Are some couples joined in marriage, yet not by God? Is it possible that some are joined together in another way?

Looking back towards the Scripture, we see that the Pharisees had tested Him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” A literal translation of this verse would have the Pharisees asking: “Is it right for a man to put away his woman?” In Jesus’s answer, He describes the sexual act, “...the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

God joins couples together whether they ask Him to or not. This is because couples are joined in marriage to each other by the God-designed and God-created action of having sexual intercourse with each other. In The Message Translation of the New Testament, Eugene H. Peterson renders Matthew 19:4-6: “Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh - no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”²

Believers and non-believers alike can enter into the divine relationship of marriage.³ And at its simplest understanding, this is because the genitals of all people were designed and created by God to join with each other. As Peterson presents, marriage is primarily an organic union. Therefore, it really is God who joins all couples - believers and non-believers - who have sex with each other. This is similar to the teaching that it really is God who gives us all life and sustains us all, no matter if we believe or not (cf. Prov 16:9, 20:24, Jer 10:23, Matt 5:45).

Unfortunately, this verse (Mark 10:9) has been terribly misused by people throughout the ages to allow divorce between couples who have not been ‘married’ in church or by a priest. However, when Jesus spoke these words, he was supporting the Old Testament pattern and law that states once a couple has sex together, they should not separate from each other. He had said that a man would be united to a woman, the two becoming one flesh. Jesus said that they are no longer two, but one, and, most importantly, that then, no one should separate them. Once they have sex, they should stay together in a marriage relationship.

This is extremely important to understand in our world where even among couples that are legally married, only around half are ‘married’ in a church.⁴ If the church were to believe that only couples married in a church building had been joined by God, then they would have to condone the separation of a vast number of couples (even those legally married) if the couples in question so desired.

It is not only couples who have been married in church that are joined by God - nor is it only couples who are legally married that are joined by God. God has joined every couple that has had sex, as it was God Himself who gave them the ability to be joined.

There is a question though: has the joining been righteous or unrighteous? As the book progresses, we will go into further detail and speak about adulterous or other sinful relationships. It will be explained and shown where the Bible speaks of unrighteous marriages. At this point however, when consenting mature virgins have sex; no matter whether the people are believers or non-believers, the teaching from the Bible is that they should never ‘split up’ from one another. This is one reason why couples that become Christians are never asked to ‘re-marry’ their spouses - marriages before people became believers are still marriages!

Affirming this position on couples being joined together in marriage through the act of sexual intercourse, is this passage from the book of Malachi, at the very end of the Old Testament:

“...you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,” says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously”” (Mal 2:13-16 NKJ emphasis mine).

In the King James Version of the Bible, verse 16 starts with: “For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away....”

The word ‘divorce’ means ‘putting away.’⁵ Divorce in the Bible is not a legal institution, nor does it dissolve marriage. Divorce in the Bible is plainly and simply ‘putting away from you your wife.’ Divorce happens when a man refuses to care for, provide for, and love the woman he has had sex with. It is sin, and Jesus tells us that Moses only permitted it “...because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Matt 19:8). For “...the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth...” (Mal 2:14). God witnesses everything (cf. Ps 139:7-8, Prov 2:17). God knows everything a person does, and every time they have sex. God hates ‘divorce’ - He hates it when a couple who have had sex ‘split-up’ from each other - He hates it when a man refuses to accept the responsibility of his first marriage. There is no excuse for this behavior - even youth, says the Bible.

“Well, I don’t know whether it’s good or bad - worrying or glad - news I’ve got for ya today...” said my friend Shari. “Tahlia’s pregnant.” Tahlia was Shari’s fifteen-year-old daughter, and the baby was due in only four months. Shari herself had been a single parent for many years; she had married her first husband at a very young age and had been divorced by him when Tahlia was five. The last thing Shari wanted was for her daughter to go through the same thing that she had gone through, and she told Tahlia that she would not allow her to see the baby’s father, Timothy, again. Shari wanted to help Tahlia raise the baby herself at home.

The Malachi passage asks “...did He not make them one?” And answers that God has made them one, because God seeks godly offspring. Here it is made clear that one reason God wants couples to stay together, is for the sake of possible children. One thing that seems greatly forgotten in our age of contraception is that sex usually produces babies - in fact, the very first sexual union between two people can do this. ⁶

God also wants people to have sex with only one partner because God wants people to be pure. Impurity means ‘mixed with foreign matter, or adulterated.’⁷ Impurity means having sex with more than one person. Once a person has had sex, they remain pure by not ‘mixing’ with another person, ie. by not having sex with anyone else.

Tahlia and Timothy were married in God’s eyes; they had become one flesh and, according to the word of God, weren’t to be separated. Furthermore, we will speak later on the fact that even secular researchers agree with the Bible that it is best for a child to have both its mother and father.

I asked Shari the following question: “Would you rather Tahlia be married to Timothy, or would you have the baby raised by a single mother? Would you rather encourage Tahlia and Timothy to stay together in lifelong commitment, or have them split-up, only to find that Tahlia ends up having casual sex with other boyfriends?” Shari’s worry that Tahlia and Timothy’s relationship would eventually fail was overshadowing all her thoughts - however, I advised her that this fear could not be a foregone conclusion.

The situation that Shari found herself in would be devastating for many parents - even more so for parents who had similar experiences themselves with bad results. However, Shari’s opinion that Tahlia was just too young to handle the responsibilities of marriage and motherhood unfortunately reminded me of this harsh-sounding passage in 1 Timothy:

“...In later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving...” (1 Timothy 4:1-4 emphasis mine).

Perhaps if Tahlia and Timothy had realized the importance and sacredness of sex before they indulged, things would have turned out differently. However, the fact was now that Tahlia was pregnant. And it was only because Shari was fearful that their relationship would end in the future that she was telling her daughter to end the relationship now. However, God never said, “Make sure you have a good job before you marry.” Neither has God ever said, “Ensure that the man you marry has a fine education.” Again, God never declared, “Wait until you are over 21 before you act on the sexual desires I have given you.”

Rather, God said: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God...” (John 14:1) and “...do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear...” (Luke 12:22).

And in fact, getting married at an older age, or after gaining more education seems much more detrimental than beneficial to marriage. After conducting a sexual involvement survey back in the 1970’s, Tim and Beverly La Haye noticed “that the more education a person has, the more apt he is to get a divorce.” They add: “Evidently the humanistic philosophy of higher education, which often tries to destroy the permanency of marriage, makes inroads even in the thinking of Christians.”⁸ Christians should not believe such worldly philosophies such as the one that says a better education before one enters into marriage is desirable (cf. Col 2:8).

Secular research and statistics also show that getting married at an older age is not helpful to marriages. Between 1977 and 1997, while the median age of people entering their first registered marriage increased by 4 - 4.5 years, the number of divorces had risen - and this even while the number of registered marriages had fallen!⁹ Getting married older or after gaining more education seems only to be detrimental to marriages - and certainly doesn’t seem to help their success.

After counseling, prayer and reading the Bible, Shari decided that she would not force her daughter and the father of her first grandchild to separate - rather, she decided to make it her aim to teach them as many Biblical truths about marriage as she could (cf. Titus 2:4-5). She was a Christian committed to God and His word, and realized that rather than acting out of fear (fear that the situation would end badly) she should have been trusting God and His word and following His directives. With God, nothing is impossible, and even a relationship between young teenagers can last the distance. Whatever happened in the end would be up to the young couple themselves, however, for her part, Shari had to teach and follow God’s advice and trust Him.¹⁰

Going back to the top of this chapter, we read that the Pharisees had come and tested Jesus, asking Him if it were lawful for a man to divorce his wife. What they were trying to do was to get Jesus to agree with Moses in allowing divorce. In effect, they wanted Jesus to say that it was right for them to reduce the demands of sex - to say that sex need not be a lifelong bond - and to make the laws of marriage more comfortable for themselves. If you think about it, it isn’t much different from what many people are doing today (if only subconsciously).... In this generation, people devalue sex, not understanding its true meaning and consequences in an effort to make life more comfortable for themselves.

Although unknowingly, Shari was one who was following many who do this. She was devaluing the sexual relationship that Tahlia and Timothy had, believing it and even the creation of their baby to be sinful. She had believed that their relationship - their family - did not demand lifelong commitment and companionship, and could be ended. She was almost ignoring the fact that her daughter had had sex, was married in God’s sight, and was to be a mother, and therefore, she was not encouraging her daughter to do what was right. Teaching people that sex does require a lifelong commitment is important. Even the couple who have had totally lustful, sinful sex, have become ‘one flesh’ with each other - and even though this sex may have been seen and thought of as just ‘casual,’ it has far-reaching, and even eternal consequences. It may not always be a good thing to encourage people who have had totally lustful, sinful sex to stay together as married (these situations will be discussed at a later point in the book). However, in situations such as that of Tahlia and Timothy, where the couple had previously been virgins, had a baby, and a desire to stay together, it was the right thing to do. The sex that they had, while probably not thought through properly, was in fact not really ever meant as ‘casual’ - of course, previously, they hadn’t seriously considered marriage, but they did think of themselves as ‘boyfriend/girlfriend,’ and hadn’t just had a ‘one-night stand.’

Timothy, Tahlia and the baby were a family. The Bible says: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim 5:8). It was right for Timothy to provide for, care for, and love both Tahlia and the baby. And as I mentioned previously, even secular researchers agree that it is best for children to have both biological parents raise them together. A 1988 study by the National Center for Health Statistics (USA) found that children in single-parent families were more likely to drop out of high school, become pregnant as teenagers, abuse drugs and get into trouble with the law than those living with both parents. ¹¹

And in 1993, social scientist Nicholas Zill reported that children of divorced parents are, regardless of their economic circumstances, twice as likely as others to have poor relationships with their parents, drop out of high school and receive psychological help. Zill made the following statement: “Many people were saying single-parent families are just different, not necessarily worse or better, and the factors that link kids to problems have to do with poverty. But my research didn’t support that explanation.” Zill’s research showed that no matter what the financial status of the family - the fact that the child was raised by only one parent was what made the unfortunate difference.¹²

The US News and World Report also says, “More than virtually any other factor, a biological¹³ father’s presence in the family will determine a child’s success and happiness. The children of divorce and those born outside marriage struggle through life at a measurable disadvantage, according to a growing chorus of social thinkers. The revised thinking is that it’s the breakdown of families that feeds social ills. Fatherlessness is the most destructive trend of our generation. The absence of fathers is linked to most social nightmares - from boys with guns to girls with babies. No welfare reform plan can cut poverty as thoroughly as a two-parent family. Raising marriage rates will do far more to fight crime than building prisons or putting more cops on the streets. Divorce can increase an adult’s happiness, but it is devastating to a child. One third report moderate or severe depression five years after a divorce. The hurt may remain hidden for years. They often grow up wary of love, marriage and family, and over a third have little or no ambition 10 years after their parents part.”¹⁴

It’s extremely scary to think of these things that researchers claim causes family breakdown. However, the point here is not to condemn people who live in these situations. Rather, the aim is to highlight the importance of preventing these things from happening in the first place. As the Bible has taught us for centuries, now even secular researchers agree that it is usually better for everyone if families stay together - and families are made when couples have sex with one another.

Perhaps you are in a situation now such as one of these: A father who has perhaps been forced out of his home and cannot look after his children as he would like; or a mother, whose husband has left, and now has children without that all-important male role-model. Perhaps you are a child yourself, who has been left without one or both parents. If you have been, or are in, any situation similar to these, perhaps it seems that there is no human answer to the problem. Even if you have been the cause of this situation, you can take comfort from Ps 68:5-6 which says that God is “a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows... God sets the lonely in families....” With God there is always hope for the healing and repentance and protection of those whose lives have been hurt by the improper use and respect of sex. But of course, if we can halt the progress of these things happening in the future, we have done a very good thing.

Sex is such a big, important step in the life of every person. It should not ever be casual. We in this generation need to learn its importance and sacredness, and that it requires us to be in a marriage relationship where the highest level of personal commitment from both sides exists.

In the next chapter, we will continue to look at the Malachi passage cited above; specifically focusing on the fact that sex is the start of a covenant relationship.

“...the phrase ‘and the two shall become one flesh’ ... found four times in Scripture, certainly has in it the aspects of emotional, spiritual, and mental oneness. But the ultimate meaning here is physical - a blending of two bodies into one flesh to promote mutual love.”¹⁶

“‘Being united together’ and ‘becoming one flesh’ are terms that have definite sexual meaning. It is significant that in Genesis God does not say that husband and wife become one unit in society or one legal entity or one mind or heart or soul (though there may be truth in each of these), but one flesh. And Jesus endorsed this when he quoted Genesis, also using - and then repeating - the words ‘one flesh’.”¹⁷

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Thank you for your interest in this book, and God bless you!

Copyright 2000 Monicque Sharman


 
 
 

Scripture in the book is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION.  Copyright 1973,
1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.  Used by permission of Hodder & Stoughton Ltd.  All rights reserved.

FOOTNOTES:
1 Many, many Christian authors agree here with this point including Jack & Carole Mayhall, in “Marriage takes more than love” 1985 Navpress Great Britian p. 200, and B. Ward Powers in “Marriage and Divorce - the New Testament Teaching”, Family Life Movement of Australia 1987, p. 54Return
2 Peterson, Eugene H. “The Message” Navpress USA, 1993Return
3 B. Ward Powers agrees, stating “…it should be noted that it is not necessary to be a Christian in order to be able to be part of a marriage that is joined together by God. To limit being joined together by God to marriages between Christians would be to ignore the fact that marriage was not an ordinance of Christ, but of Creation…” From “Marriage and Divorce - the New Testament Teaching” Family Life Movement of Australia, 1987 p. 35Return
4 In Austalia in 1996, 46.8% of all wedding ceremonies were performed by non religious civil celebrants - From the Australian Bureau of Statistic’s “Tasmanian Year Book 1998” page 95Return
5 Here I am talking about consenting mature virgins (righteous marriage). We will speak about adulterous and other sinful relationships later in the book.Return
6 Divorce - along with separation, remarriage and other related issues will be examined more fully in later chapters. The beginning of chapter 7 details the definitions of the biblical words for divorce and how they clearly mean ‘sending forth’ or ‘putting away’.Return
7 Although, whilst the possibility of having children is always a reason for a marriage to hold together, not having any children is never an excuse for a marriage to break up. See such childless marriages as Abram and Sarai (Gen 16), Jacob and Rachel (Gen 30), Elkanah and Hannah (1 Sam 1).Return
8 Definition is from the Collins Australian Pocket English Dictionary, 1981 Sydney AustraliaReturn
9 Tim and Beverly La Haye, “The Act of Marriage: Enjoying the Beauty of Sexual Love” 1976 Marshall Pickering, London, page 221Return
10 From the ABS website http://www.abs.gov.au/websitedbs/Return
11 There is a short appendix to this chapter at the end of the book in which we look briefly at some of the things that Shari - or a person in a similar situation - should do and teach to the young couple.Return
12 Los Angeles Times, 27/5/96 page A16.Return
13 Los Angeles Times, 27/5/96 page A16.Return
14 Many counselors and people who have been affected by adoption will agree that a very high percentage (if not all) adopted people suffers from rejection and problems stemming from being adopted out. Whilst often used by God for good, I do not believe that adoption is in line with the biblical ideal of children living with both biological parents.Return
15 Quoted from “U.S News and World Report” in “Total Quality Marriage” http://www.webedelic.com/church/tqm.htmReturn
16 Mayhall, Jack & Carole “Marriage takes more than love” 1985 Navpress, Great Britian p. 200Return
17 B. Ward Powers, “Marriage and Divorce - the New Testament Teaching” Family Life Movement of Australia, 1987 p. 54Return

 
 

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